If you’ve never had an Eating Disorder then you don’t know what it’s like to try to stop having an Eating Disorder. And if you have never tried to stop having an Eating Disorder than it’s pretty difficult to understand why those skinny anorexic girls won’t “Just eat” or those bulimic chicks won’t just “stop throwing up” or why that compulsive overeating gal can’t “eat just one and stop.” Let me put it this way, it is just as easy for them to stop as it is easy for you to breathe underwater.
And that is exactly what its like for us, breathing under water. It is physically impossible, no? You bet it is. The second you try to breathe your lungs are filled with water and you suffocate to death. The same happens to an anorexic when she tries to eat food. Her body starts to react as if she was drowning. Her adrenaline starts to rise. She goes into sensory overload and fills up with fear, she feels nauseous, anxious, angry, her pulse starts to race. She’ll do anything in order to not allow that food into her body because if she does she believes she just might die. The same way you believe breathing under water just might kill you.
I bring this up today because it seems that relapses are the topic of discussion lately. Relapses are pretty common with eating disorders. Yet, are still looked upon with dissapointment and shame. I find that odd considering how that it is rare for any ED client to have a clean path from an eating disorder to a treatment facility and then to recovery. The majority of clients need to first learn how to even sit in the uncomfortable waters of recovery before they can even tread the water of it. But, for some reason everyone thinks that they should be able to go into treatment and miraculously be healed? Did you ride a two-wheel bike perfectly the first time you picked it up? Did you walk the tight rope without falling the first time you placed your foot on the rope? Did you surf a 20 foot wave the first time you picked up a board? Exactly. So why on earth would you expect to be able to eat like a normal person the first time you tried?
Eating Disorders are not like alcohol or drugs where you, “Just don’t drink” and “Don’t use.” You have to see food EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. So mathematically there are millions of more opportunities to mess up. It is my personal opinion that relapses are common in the first year of recovery. Adopting a new way of life, a new way of thinking a new way of reacting is not easy, it is not fun, but one thing it is a ton of WORK!
Whether or not you’re in your first year or first 4 years of recovery and are still having trouble relapsing I would say, “Recovery is a process.” Try, try, try, pray, pray, pray, be honest, honest, honest and keep giving it up and it will eventually happen for you. It took me a full year of relapsing before I got a solid year of recovery. I learned just as much from my relapses as I did in my abstinence. The trick is to stay in meetings, stay connected to your treatment facility, keep calling your sponsor and never stop working the 12 steps. Abstinence does happen and it will happen for you too! I promise.
Keep swimming!
Irvina
Eating Disorder Recovery 
Irvana…. I empathize.
I do not know the challenge of eating disorders first hand. I have however, observed them as someone very close to me struggles this way.
I also have the perspective as a sober and recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict of what it is like to make a major change.
Granted that an eating disorder and a substance addiction are distinct in their natures. There are some overlaps.
First off… you point out meaningfully that telling an anorexic person to “just eat” is as irrelevant to telling an alcoholic to “just stop drinking”. Speaking as someone who once had control of his alcohol consumption and at one point could “just stop” like most people do…. I know first hand what it is like to have a behaviour move beyond the power of the will.
I reached a point where I could not stop on will power alone. I needed to do something different than “just stop”. I would imagine this bears some parallel to people with anorexia in that the solution is in something other than “just eat”.
There are solutions for chronic alcoholism. They work for many…. but seemingly not all. Or they are effective on different timelines. One person gets a DWI and that is enough to shake him up enough to seek help. Others do not get multiple DWIs and cause pain and suffering for themselves and many others and never quit. or some point in between.
I don’t imagine that recovery from eating disorders is much different in this respect.
You mention relapses. I’ve had them. They were painful and costly. But I am not convinced they were not necessary in order for me to finally seek the level of help I needed.
Relapses suck. They usually hurt us and our loved ones a great deal. Yet they are more the rule than the exception. I would not want anyone to use this as an excuse to relapse, so I will say it with caution…. I believe relapses are an essential part of the process of recovery for many of us.
Some sober up without a single relapse. Good for them. Some rank themselves (or others) in their own eyes higher for having “got it right the first time”. I think this is a complete misconception and flaw in understanding. Frankly, it is often a sign of ignorance.
It takes what it takes for any of us to sober up or to get our to recover from our eating disorder. An analogy I often use to illustrate differences between people…. Baskin and Robbins make 31 flavours for a reason! (no pun intended with the food reference). Even the best known ice cream shop in North America recognizes we are all different.
The bottom line is that even though relapses are frightening, dangerous, and hurtful… and may very well be the result of some acting selfishly or foolishly… they appear to be part of the process for most of us.
I am just glad I kept betting back on the horse. The falls showed me the importance of learning how to stay on better. And glad to say I finally found what has now worked for me for a few years.
Ciao.
Chaz
Wow Chaz, you’ve had quite the journey. I checked out your site. Great info. You have a lot of wisdom to share. So glad you’re still here to share it!
Great article!