I feel FAT

One of the things I despised hearing the most in recovery is that “Fat is not a feeling.” I would argue with the therapist on the purple couch that “I really do feel fat! My waist, arms and even fingers feel fat don’t tell me that what I’m feeling is not real!” But, alas after many relapses, diets, detoxes, support groups, journaling and visits to the infamous purple couch I have waived the white flag of surrender and do cross my heart and I definitely agree, “Fat is not a feeling.”

What I know now that I didn’t know then is that when I said “I feel fat” it was really my way of covering up a deeper feeling, a scary uncomfortable feeling that I just didn’t like…well….”feeling.”  For instance I remember being very deep in my anorexia and going to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting at a table across from a guy who was trying to get to know me. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying because I was so consumed with how uncomfortable I suddenly felt in my jeans. I felt like I had rolls hanging out. I felt that he was looking at how fat I was. I kept looking at all the other girls in the room and watching what they ate and how much. At the time I would have definitely have said, “I feel fat right now” What I couldn’t say at the time was the truth that “I feel inadequate. Scared that I am not chill enough. Fearful that I am not pretty enough. I don’t feel funny enough or smart enough.” But, those things are too hard to admit. Those things are too scary and are the things at the core of who I am as a person and that is scary stuff to touch. So instead I take a route that I think I can control…my weight and appearance. Because I may not be able to argue with you on how intelligent and funny you think I am, but you can’t deny that I am a wearing double zero jeans.

After a couple years of recovery I still have moments when “I feel fat” but the beauty of that now is when I hear myself saying I’m fat I see that now as a signal to go deeper and see what’s really bothering me. Do I really feel uncomfortable in these shorts or do I really feel a lot of pressure to be perfect at work? Do I really need to lose 5 pounds or am I still upset about that look my sister gave me at Thanksgiving two days ago? 

A widely held misconception of Eating Disorders is that they are rooted in vanity and self promotion. The truth is that they are the exact opposite, they are rooted in fear and inadequacy. An Eating Disorder is nothing but a symptom of the loss of self preservation, basically they are form of slow suicide.

I challenge everyone this week to really think about the events leading up to the moment you utter the words, “I feel fat.” If you’re anything like me you might hear that voice quite a bit, the trick is to start noticing it and shutting it down before it’s too late. In other words, there are a lot of women in rehab who “feel fat”.

 Thanks for letting me chit chat with you today! We’re getting some other Victorian Staff on here to blog this week! Stay tuned for some amazing blogs!

 Keep in Recovery! 

 Irvina

Goodbye letter to ED….

At The Vic every woman gets a packet of assignments she is supposed to complete before exiting treatment. One of the assignments is a Goodbye Letter to ED. (If you haven’t caught on yet “ED” is a nick name for an Eating Disorder. It’s easier to identify ED as a person because of the loud voice it has in our head.) Anyways, this is one of my FAVORITE letters to ED that I have ever read. One of our clients wrote it and with her permission she has okayed me to publish it here (she actually wanted me to put her name with it! Hows that for PROUD recovery?) Here it is…

Dear Liar,
I must write you this letter so that you completely understand what I intend to do about our relationship.You have been an important part of my life from the very start, and you were the best tool i had to keep me from understanding the pain i felt deep inside. You’ve been with me through thick and thin, deep and shallow water. You helped me get where I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. Without you none of this may have happened. Who knows what could have happened? Only God knows, and thats precisely why she gave you to me, to be where I am now, getting rid of you. To me you were a message, a challenge, and a life lesson. This is why I must be sincere, clear, and completely thorough. You have been a curse, and somewhat of a blessing. What you did to me was so physically and emotionally damaging. I felt like you wanted me to die a slow and painful death, I felt like you wanted to make me the scum of the earth, a miserable woman without a heart or a soul. Thank you for showing me this. You’ve shown me how deep and broken your sadistic world is, you whispered lie after lie until suddenly my entire world was fabricated. You raped me and abused me, made me dance on the strings tied to your finger tips. You were always so angry. That rage in you created a rage in me. A fury that I will never ever forget. You were all I ever knew for so long, but i’ve asked god to help me deal with you now. She gave you to me so that I could see the infinite and amazing power I hold. Know that I know God, she is helping me remove you from my thoughts, my actions, and my life.
 
I cannot trust you anymore, only god. I’ve decided there is a new way for me to live happy, joyous, and free, and that is surrendering my will to God, your will, and everything else that is beyond my control. Liar, you are no longer invited into my thoughts, or welcome into my life. You do not control me anymore. I refuse to believe any of your grandeous ideas, they are all lies. You cannot hurt me anymore. I’ve found someone else. Someone much bigger, and much more powerful than you. Someone who fills me up with love instead of hate. I’m sorry liar, but there just isnt room for you anymore, we’re through. thank you for showing me pain, because without that i wouldnt know how to love.

Love,

An Awesome, Amazing Victorian Client

Aint she a rockstar?

Strength in Recovery,

Love, Irvina

Welcome to the Victorian Blog

Welcome to the Victorian House Blog. My name is Irvina and I am an Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Overeater and support staff at The Victorian House in Newport Beach, California. The Victorian House is a rehab for women with Eating Disorders and Chemical addictions.

If I could describe the “The Vic” in one word it would be “Integrity.” If you were to visit the house you wouldn’t find locks on the refrigerator doors or a security guard at the front gate preventing people from leaving, like you see in other rehabs. You would find a house filled with people willing to support women in their recovery. No one MUST finish their meal, MUST attend a meeting or MUST work the 12 steps. We let our clients make choices, they reap the rewards and or consequences. We are open, direct and loving when we see behaviors that do not match up with integrity, but we always stand firm that we are a source of support, but the healing can only be done by the client. Healing from an eating disorder is an inside job. No rehab, therapist, anti-depressant or money can buy you healing, but a person WILLING to heal can find recovery and many, many have.

The Victorian House, Newport Beach

The Victorian houses six women at a time and walks with them on their journey of recovery. Some stay for as short as 30 days and others stay as long as 9 months. As well, we have a step down facility called “The Lido Track” that allows women to do life but still utilize the support needed.

This blog will be a source of recovery for Victorian Alumni, potential Victorian clients and any other women in recovery or seeking recovery from her eating disorder. We will discuss all topics eating disorder related, from body dysmorphia to cross addictions and self-care. We hope this blog will be a source of healing and understanding about yourself and your disease. I am looking forward to blogging here! I love to write so you’ll be hearing a mouthful from me. There will also be other doctors, therapists, dieticians, staff and alumni writing on this blog. It will be a ecclectic group all focused on recovery. Check back soon for a new post.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Recovery is a choice....